i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
