if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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