I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
