I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
