Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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