i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
