Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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