At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
