nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
