im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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