Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
