Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
