They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
