i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
