did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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