$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
