You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
