In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
