Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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