Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
MIDGETS
????
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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