I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I had to cum in my sink.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
