"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
