mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
