I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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