Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
