just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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