get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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