I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
