Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
