So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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