I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
