So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
