You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
