he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
