Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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