I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
