Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
