I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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