So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
