I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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