my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You ruined the universe
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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