Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
