upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
