mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
