doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
