chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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