I puked a lego.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
