Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
