I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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