I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
