i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
