I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
