i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
