listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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