I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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